Excuses & Recluses

Who's not here and where have they been?

The table below lists a selection of excuses we have heard for unavailability for match duties and how they rate in the grand web of deceit. There are also a selection of yet to be used yarns for non attendance. We have named and shamed users of the listed excuses and also earmarked likely candidates for the unclaimed tall tales.

If you can think of alternative whoppers that have been offered to avoid Saturday service, please let us know and we can update the list. If you can offer any further beezers that your team-mates may be able to take advantage of in the future please don't hesitate to provide the porkies!

The truth is out there, we just don't want to hear it!

2007/2008

Excuse	Has it been used yet?	Who used it?	Potential Recipient	Credibility Rating	Teachers Comments

2006/2007

Excuse	Has it been used yet?	Who used it?	Potential Recipient	Credibility Rating	Teachers Comments
Got blind drunk at an Army function, arrested and I'm still being held in an Army prison cell	Yes	George		9	I'm happy with this one. As civillians we will never know what it is like to stand watch on the trouble-torn Mountcastle/Northfield border, as Colonel Parker has done for many years. George has earned the right to let off steam however he see's fit. If his exertions land him with a stint peeling spuds instead of playing rugby - so be it.
Can't play Saturday as I have a Helicopter lesson	Yes	Vic Rickis		4	By now, like me, you'll no doubt be convinced that Vic sit's at home thinking of the daftest possible thing he can do and then commits himself to following it through. Why The (self-proclaimed) Tackle would ever feel it necessary to hold a valid chopper license is beyond me. This has all the makings of an extremely expensive episode in Victor's long and non-distinguished odyssey of farce (particularly given the fact it took the lad no less than 5 attempts to pass his driving test.)

2005/2006

Excuse	Has it been used yet?	Who used it?	Potential Recipient	Credibility Rating	Teachers Comments
Working	Yes	Everyman & his dog		8	A reliable favourite available to every one (except Bawbag) however your cover's blown if a teammate or teammate's spouse works alongside you
Injured	Yes	Everyman & his dog		7	Another perennial classic, helps to have the backing of the Club Physio and some fancy medical terminology. Can get dodgy if one forgets to limp
Holiday	Yes	Everyman & his dog		9	A real winner if you can guarantee not being spotted in Tesco instead of Tenerife
My car broke down on the way to the club	Yes	Chris Koo		3	Literally a non-starter. As there are always others means of reaching the easily accessible field of dreams!
Babysitting	Yes	Disco		6	Pretty weak unless it's an emergency. N.B. Please ensure that you have established that you are in possession of a minor (we will accept no less than niece/nephew/godchild)
I'm attending a heavy rock concert	No		Craig Gentle	4½	Rock vs. Rugby is a common debate, but may I suggest you subscribing to Kerrang TV to release the beast
Selling a house	Yes	Cookie		8	A fairly solid citizen, particularly in this case as John's livelihood is in the realm of property, it may just about be valid!
Wife wont let me	Yes	Steve Roy		10 or 2	Totally acceptable if you are Mr Roy, but if not - leave it out
Wedding	Yes	All the chaps	(Last usage, Dickie 25 Sep 2004)	10	A home banker for the boys. We seem to be at that stage in life where the good guys are dropping like flies, so the least we can do is be there to commemorate their passing
Parental visit	Yes	Softy		7	This is one of Softlad's firm favourites and he trots it out with an admirable regularity, considering his folks live a few hundred miles away in darkest Yorkshire
Munich beer Festival	Yes	Danny		9	An absolute belter, guaranteed to elicit envious responses from teammates and coaching staff alike. Not recommended for teetotalers
Judging gymnastics competition in Wigan	Yes	Gethin		10	You just can't fault it! Supple bodies, lycra and mud huts!
I'm attending a family reunion in Yorkshire, I just remembered about it today	Yes	Cookie		5	Sounds quite plausible coming from Softy or Dancin Bill, but from the 4th Earl of Banchory?!
The dog ate my Rugby Boots	No		Sounds like one of the Napier laddies!	1	Simply not good enough my boys. If you must tell these shameful lies you wont get your free pie after the game!
My washing machine flooded	No		I think this could only be credited to our resident plumber Kenny McGregor	7	Mucky's intensive knowledge of the inner workings of pipes and boilers etc. would leave him in good stead to bamboozle his inquisitor. However, a less technically minded player may make right a shop front of it
I'm attending the Gay Mardi Gras in Sydney	Not to my knowledge		The C*nt could use it when out there watching his Dad's float!	9	Pretty damn convincing, it's not something us manly rugger types tend to lie about!
Visiting an oversea's girlfriend	Yes	Softy/Humphrey (not together apparently)		8 or 3	Perfectly valid for the Softlad as he tends to do most of his courting on foreign soil (mostly around the Niagara Falls area) Humphrey almost got away with it until his potential American sweetheart found out he looked nothing like his photo i.e. Stevie Roy!
A dog bit my ear/nose off	Yes	Humphrey		10	When Humphrey goes off on one it is usually best practice to nod one's head, make excuses and get away as fast a your legs can carry you. Otherwise you could be in for the long run!
I have a job interview	No		Anyone except Bawbag	9	A perfectly feasible get out clause for missing active Saturday service unless you are The Bag, who has chosen to forego normal working practices to concentrate on his rugby career!
I'm going to my local multiplex to watch a smash hit blockbuster	Yes	Craig Gentle		1	Exceptionally poor in the best of circumstances, but when the film in question (Raiders of the Lost Ark) has been doing the rounds for over 20 years and you already have it in your house on both VHS and DVD format it is just plain poppycock and piffle!
I'm having a driving lesson	Yes	Scotty Lovatt		7	Not a bad excuse, however if you are going to carry the L plate ruse off be sure not to use the club carpark when training or on matchday, it tends to give the game away.
Buying a car	Yes	Scotty Lovatt		7	Lends credence to he driving lesson excuse. One must therefore to assume that his crash course was a success if he is now paying a visit to Arthur's car lot, to pick himself up a nice Vauxhall Viva.
Driving a Train	Yes	Scotty "Bones" Thomson		8	One has to feel that Scotty Lovatt's motor mouth has been trumped by Bones doing the Locomotion! Apparently as a 40th birthday gift Bones is going to deepest darkest Englandshire to have a shot piloting a train. Thomas will be alarmed to see how much weight the Fat Controller has shed!
Attending an awards ceremony in Glasgow	Yes	Rory "The C**t" Innes		4	An awards ceremony in Glasgow? Featuring Rory?? Unless it's the annual C**t of the Year Award, a highly dubious tale. However, if it is the COTY award and it's being held in Glasgow, oor Rory will be facing some stiff opposition.
Tiling Injury	Yes	Russ Abbott		7	Comedy genius Russ has slashed his hand while tiling his bathroom thus ruling himself out of slapstick action for up to a month. This would be a very poor excuse were it not delivered with the perfect comedic timing of a true pro!
Poked myself in the eye with my glasses	Yes	Kenny McGregor		9	See below
Twisted my ankle while pished on my Christmas night out	Yes	Kenny McGregor		8	Knowing Kenny, this is probably true :-)
I've lost my cat	Yes	Vic Rickis	Mrs Slocum	6	Not being a cat owner it is difficut for me to quantify the significance of one's feline friend going AWOL and how this would impact on one's state of mind on match day. However, I have frequently played whilst missing pussy and no-one can doubt it's had an adverse effect on my performance!
My bicycle has 2 flat tyres and I can't locate my pump, even after an hour of looking	Yes	Vic Rickis		2	Having 2 flat tyres as opposed to 1 does not make this excuse any more credible. Spending an hour looking for a pump does not seem to be time well spent when one could be arranging alternative means of transport, particularly given the fact that Vic lives within a mile of the club, it just doesn't cut the mustard.
Struggling with Hay Fever	Yes	Sean Hollywood		3	Normally a decent excuse as one can feel quite run down especially when the grass has just been cut up at the club. But the session in question was on Porty beach where the pollen count is considerably lower than the condom count.
A Dogdy Curry	Yes	Bawbag	Any player man enough to dabble in the Eastern delights of a Curry and a bevy.	8	I know you'll think that one dodgy Currie is more than enough for any club, but I find it relatively easy to condone The Bag's get out clause being a lover of sub-continental delicacies myself. You often take your gastric wellbeing in your own hands at these Indian outlets, but the instant gratification derived from those spicy Asian treats easily outweighs the longer term bathroom issues. A definite case of "buy now pay later."
Visiting the circus with my mother	Yes	Vic Rickis	(i) Any one of a number of aspiring clowns (ii) Softy, who would travel the length and breadth of the planet to see midgets cavorting around.	?	I can't decide whether this excuse comes into the sublime or the ridiculous category. I don't doubt for an instant that Vic's spiritual home is indeed the big top, but if it's slapstick entertainment your after Wilma, look no further than Cavalry Park.
Fell Asleep and Missed Training	Yes	Craig Gentle	Burnsy & Currie	2	Absolutely lame. Granted, Craig had no doubt just finished some manic thrashing around his room to Napalm Death and/or indulging in some particularly gruesome chicken sacrificing, but an athlete should know that there are certain activities that should not be undertaken prior to engaging in sporting combat.
There is a hole in my ceiling	Yes	Vic Rickis		2	Vic is beginning to make a name for himself with his offbeat tales of farce and misfortune. I gather the hole in the ceiling was inflicted by none other than the perpetrator of the excuse (details TBC). The fact that he could not attend training had more to do him being in the doghouse with his missus as a result of his scattergun holemaking, rather than actually doing anything to rectifiy his misdemeanour.
Visiting the Moulin Rouge with a lady(boy)friend	Yes	Dave Hardy		7	It is as yet unclear as to whether Softlad was attending the famously debauched Moulin Rouge club located in Le Monmatre, Paris and so vividly captured in the work of Henri Toulouse-Lautrec. Or the equally debauched but marginally less famous Moulin Rouge nightspot in Worthing, which is apparently West Sussex's premier gay club night. Either way Greengrass should be lauded for his honesty and his willingness to experiment. Here's hoping that this cultural awakening will have some kind of knock on effect on his dress sense I mean really David, checks and corduroys? So sloan ranger!

The lies shall set you free (unless you do it in court, as this is called perjury and invariably results in incarceration).

Danny Roarty, Dave Hardy and Ed Henderson

1=	Kevin Bulloch	9
1=	Sean Hollywood	9
3=	Fraser Boyter	3
3=	Ronald Gallon	3
5=	Danny Roarty	2
5=	Dave Hardy	2
5=	Chris Sinclair	2
5=	Connor MacLeod	2
5=	Graham Culbertson	2
5=	Chris Weir	2
11=	Peter Mauritzen	1
11=	Lee Dickson	1
11=	Donald Thomson	1
11=	Ed Henderson	1
11=	Mike Dunn	1
11=	Ray Vaughan	1
11=	Robbie Mott	1
11=	Michael Ridd	1
11=	Darren Roe	1
11=	Chris Thomas	1
11=	Chris Davis	1
11=	Graham Porteous	1